took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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