I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
