How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Boobs speak an international language.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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