I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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