Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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