Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
