saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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