Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
