Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
