Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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