why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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