i was born a porn star she said
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
