Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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