dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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