I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
