fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
