woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
