the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
