i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
