I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
