True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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