I have demons in me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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