I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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