Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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