I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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