I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
the raccoons are back...
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