Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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