mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize