mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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