They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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