U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
