I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
