how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
