i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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