all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
