I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
tell me about the fingering
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