He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
