Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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