I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
