I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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