I puked a lego.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
