i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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