it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
