I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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