I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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