I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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