I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
