im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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