after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
