By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
