too bad you live with your parents still
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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