I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
