So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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