he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
