Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
