Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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