Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
