god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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